I'm eating all of the evidence.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
