More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
