it's like iHOP with fire
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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