3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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