I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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