I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
