Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
