How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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