we're blogging at a bar
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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