so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
