Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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