Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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