Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
