I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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