He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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