You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
