I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
