i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
