Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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