Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
