I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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