i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
