Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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