im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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