My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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