i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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