Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
