It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
