Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
