I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
