If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
