Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
