It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
