Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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