So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
