Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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