Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
