i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
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It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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