I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
