Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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