woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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