Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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