is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
