the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
