Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
