The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
