my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
