My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love accidental penises.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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