I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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