Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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