u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I did not marry a roomba.
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