she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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