chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
